


about hoodies, flaws and safe havens

by karnsniehaus



Series: 30 Days of Pride!Hollstein [8]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, I'm Sorry, sad writers write sad things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 18:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19323682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karnsniehaus/pseuds/karnsniehaus
Summary: Laura wants to fix things with Carmilla so bad, but for that she needs to figure out how to deal with herself. When she can't, things, and not only things, may break.





	about hoodies, flaws and safe havens

**Author's Note:**

> hey there, people! 
> 
> so i'm still behind on this challenge and i have no idea how i managed to get this storyline for today's plot, which is "wearing each other's clothes". i guess sadness brings out the worst in people (or best, if we're talking about writers? we'll see)  
> this one has na anxiety warning and, even though it's not explicit or mentioned, it might be a trigger so be aware of that. 
> 
> hope you enjoy!

To be home was torture. Every single inch of that tiny, three-room apartment had something that reminded Laura of her. She hadn’t walked into her own bedroom, that wasn’t even just hers anymore, in four days — since it happened and Laura’s chest was burning with the feeling of being lost in her own thoughts and, also, with the feeling she had lost Carmilla for good and she only had herself to blame. And yet she couldn’t take Carmilla’s hoodie off her body.

Laura didn’t know how else to act whenever it hit her. She didn’t even know when it all had started, if she was being honest. It felt like it had shifted slowly into her body, not ever _not_ showing her the signs that it was becoming a part of her as the days went by. It started in freshman year, she believed.

One time she heard some girls whispering about her skirt, how her thighs seemed to be too thick that the edge was always rolling up. She never really cared about it and she did notice how she was constantly pulling the rolled-up edges down, but she didn’t think it was a problem. Now that she stopped to think about it, she did overthought those whispers she eavesdropped for a week, and it wasn’t supposed to be like that. That was sign number one.

There was this another time when she could barely hold the paper with her lines for the presentation because she was shaking too much. She didn’t know why she was that nervous when she spent the night memorizing those lines. Laura did know them by heart and she could recite them aloud and backwards – but only if she was alone, in her room, with the curtains shut and the door locked because someone might come in and God forbid if it happened. Just the thought made Laura heart rate increase drastically and she didn’t understand why it didn’t happen to Perry, her best friend, when she asked her if she was that nervous too.

Speaking of friends, Laura never had that many. She met Perry still in kindergarten and, funny how life works, they hated each other at the age of two. Laura really couldn’t remember, but Perry, and also her mother, told her that Laura had pinched the redhead once because she took a book from the shelf and, apparently, Laura wanted that specific one – even though there were about forty books in that shelf. So angry and she could barely form words. That had always been Laura’s normal. She only spoke to a few people at school and she only knew how to talk to Perry. In her head, she was always the weird girl and she was a hundred percent sure people only talked to her because of Perry – because the ginger was indeed very nice and Laura was just… Laura. The weird girl whose skirt kept rolling up her thighs that were too thick; the girl who could barely hold a paper for a five-minute Science presentation.

“LaFontaine invited us to this slumber party kind of thing they’re having tonight for their birthday,” Perry said as she chewed on something too cracky to eat while on a phone call. “What do you say?”

“It would be nice, yeah,” Laura practically mumbled as she flipped another page of the book on her lap, knowing very well she hadn’t paid attention to the last three paragraphs on that page. “What time are we supposed to be there?”

“In twenty.”

“And you’re _just_ telling me this now?!” Laura quickly sat on her bed, closing the book abruptly. “Damn, Perry! Well, I’ll meet you outside in thirty.”

“Make it forty,” Perry said before the flat line sound echoed. Knowing Perry like Laura did, she knew forty wouldn’t be enough.

Later that day, Laura went back home because she was sure that LaFontaine and all of their friends thought Laura was annoying anyway and there was no point in trying to be friends with any of them.

By that time, she wasn’t sure why she couldn’t have her friends’ life. She used to see their pictures online all the time – always going to parties or hanging out with a group of friends while she was always home with a pile of _already read_ books by her bed. It was too hard for her to go out anyway, so why bother? Did she really want to be on the edge of tears every time she forced herself to go out with Perry and all of the friends she made during school? The answer to that was no, ma’am, thank you. So, she isolated herself. The feeling of being in her room all day long, away from everything and everyone did feel better than the one she got in her chest every time she had to deal with people because she was just weird Laura anyway. _Who would even like her?_

Until she met, or re-met, Carmilla, five years later at the library.

She never thought she would actually be that close to the one girl who never spoke in class – even less than Laura herself, the girl who was known by the teachers as _the tiny quiet girl who sits in the corner_. She made sure to be the best version of herself while she was talking to Carmilla, and that required not being herself at all. Not, ever, allowing Carmilla to see that side of her that not even Laura understood. She made sure that she wouldn’t run away from Carmilla.

But eventually she did.

She wasn’t sure when her heart had started beating harder against her sternum when she saw Carmilla walking into their favorite coffee shop with those squeaky leather boots. She wanted to cry and she didn’t know why she felt the urge to run away, but somehow she didn’t. She just sat there and smiled because that’s what her muscles seemed to do, involuntarily, every time she heard Carmilla’s name or spotted her from across the room.

When Carmilla kissed her later that day, at that coffee shop at exactly six thirteen at night (and Laura knew that because she had been anxiously watching the needle turning so excruciating slowly, because the thought of looking at Carmilla for so long made her chest want to explode and her heart really couldn’t handle it. What if Carmilla started to see the real her and just left? She wouldn’t blame her, though) she was sure that it was something good. It made her feel _something_ nice for the first time in a long time and she didn’t think she would ever be able to let that go.

But one day it hit her with its full force. She still didn’t understand what was going on inside her head that made her want to disappear all of a sudden. She knew everything between her and Carmilla was going well. God, they were so happy. But something inside her just kept telling her that she would never be enough because she was still that weird girl from freshman year who was too weird and boring to mean anything to anyone.

And now, sitting in the corner of her living room, she had Carmilla’s hoodie on. It still had her perfume on it because how could it exhale completely after four days? It was torture to Laura. When _it_ hit her again, she couldn’t talk to Carmilla. And when the dark-haired girl tried to, she snapped in a way that kept her awake for, literally, a day and a half.

“I really like you, you know?” Carmilla whispered as Laura laid her head on her chest, both cuddling under Laura’s pink and velvety blanket. Laura froze and that urge to cry came back. It hurt and she had no idea why. She wanted to run, but Carmilla was the only one who could soothe the pain away.

She loved Carmilla. She _loved_ Carmilla and the thought of someone liking her back and the thought of her loving someone that much was too much and she didn’t know why she felt like that or what to do.

“Why?” She whispered.

“Because,” she simply answered and Laura caught, with the corner of her eyes, the smile growing on Carmilla’s lips.

When Carmilla left that night, she forgot her hoodie on Laura’s bed. Laura didn’t have the strength to answer her texts back. She wanted to, but why would she bother if she was never going to be enough for Carmilla? If she knew that, deep down, she would end up hurting her because her brain worked in a way that she didn’t understand how and, apparently, that was that she did. She pushed people away – even when she tried to not let them go.

The paper tissues thrown around the room didn’t even bother Laura anymore. Her phone was nowhere to be found because she threw it somewhere after calling Carmilla, four days later, and asking if she could come over and that she was sorry she was a mess.

The knocks on the door made Laura’s lungs burn and she felt like they would collapse any time. She stood up, walked to the door and swung the chains backwards. Her chest ached seeing Carmilla looking down at those leather boots of hers. She knew she wasn’t okay and Laura was sure she had screwed up and well, that’s what Laura did best after all, wasn’t it?

“Hey,” Laura managed to speak up after what felt like hours. Carmilla looked up and smiled weakly when she caught sight of Laura.

“You’re wearing my hoodie,” she said and Laura’s cheek muscles contracted in a smile that she didn’t even want to grow, the heat coming out of them. “It looks good on you.”

“I’m sorry.” Laura said and both of them went mute. Laura meant it. She was sorry. She wanted to learn how to deal with herself but she couldn’t and she hated that it had hurt Carmilla too. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Carmilla walked in and, right after she closed the door behind her, she took one of Laura’s hand and pulled her to the couch.

“I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t a bit hurt,” she started and Laura couldn’t hold it in. It was too much and it hurt so much and _please, make it stop._ “But, Laura, we’re all flawed. We all do things we don’t want to or that we will regret later. It’s really okay.”

“It’s not,” Laura whispered. “I hurt you.”

“Did you do it on purpose?” Carmilla asked, her voice as gentle as a rose petal. Laura knew she didn’t want to fight, she hadn’t asked to pick up a fight.

“Of course not.”

Carmilla smiled and Laura’s head was spinning. She loved that woman so much she couldn’t bear to lose her.

“As I said, we all have our flaws and it’s not always going to be perfect, but we can make our own perfect. I love you and all of your flaws, Laur. That’s not going to change. I promise you.”

Carmilla leaned in slowly and pecked Laura’s lips, which lost contact with the smile that grew on both their faces at the same time.

And finally, after a long time, Laura knew how it felt like to have a safe haven. 

When Carmilla pulled Laura into na embrace, the hazel-haired girl could finally breathe after so long, and the scent of Carmilla's perfume filling her nostrils made her feel at peace and so happy that this time it wasn't coming from a piece of clothing. 


End file.
